revolutionary in training

… for Isahrai

There are times in life when you have to say goodbye when all you want to do is hold on, but you know you have to let go. Sometimes it’s the best thing you can do, for yourself, for another. It might be something you really loved or something you knew was never right in the first place: a relationship, a career, an unfulfilled dream or a wounded past. Even if it’s right, it’s never easy letting go of something you’ve come to hold close.

Today I had to say goodbye to a dear friend of mine. As I walked with her to the airport security gate I had to fight to keep from crying uncontrollably. The truth is, my friend is sicker than anyone could think possible for a human to be and stay alive. Somehow she has managed to wildly surpass the doctors’ expectations but it’s an extremely difficult journey and it’s only getting harder. I hope she lives a long and healthy life but this would take a miracle and time is running out. So I said goodbye and let her go, knowing that because I love her, one day I’ll have to say goodbye forever so she can be free.

There is always freedom when we let go of something in our life, whether we want this freedom or not is another matter, but it does create new realms of possibilities for us. What I’ve learned is that no matter how much I may want or need to move forward in my life, I can’t do it without open hands. When I hold on to something which needs to be let go of, it only holds me back from the good gifts God wants to give me.

I’ve often held on to relationships longer than I should have because I so desperately want to be loved. Somehow I’ve always managed to listen to that quiet voice within telling me to let go, and it’s always been the right decision. Nobody said it was going to be easy, though. I recall the day after ending a relationship I’d had big dreams for; I stood in the bathroom staring into the mirror, begging myself to keep it together, but the tears kept falling down my face. I found myself once again coming full circle and having to start all over again.

There is beauty in this pain, I’ve learned. Releasing our clenched fists into open hands leaves room for new life to grow. In time we discover that new breath fills our lungs and we are ready for the next adventure to begin. It’s these times when we experience the anticipation and excitement of the future lying wide open before us and our hearts are filled with trembling and joy.

Other times the reality is that life is depressing and there’s no other way to see it in that moment. When pretty much every hope you’ve had for the dream you’ve held so long in your heart is burned into little pieces at your feet, all you can feel is the darkness. You can’t see that the fire burning through your heart is clearing the way for better things to come. The truth is that sometimes no matter how much you want to believe things will get better, sometimes the dream is over. It’s so over. And all you can do is keep breathing. Just keep breathing…